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[01 Apr 2007|05:24pm] |
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Livin' of a Prayer |
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Okay.
I am feeling a hair better. At least I didnt cry at work today. I feel exhausted though. Like, physically exhausted. Tired.
I feel like there's nothing left in me. Nothing more to give, no cheerfulness, no smiles, not even anymore tears. God knows Ive cried enough.
So heres a question: how do you move on from the best, most important, life changing thing that has ever happened to you? How do you pack up an leave when you can't seem to find a suitcase and you don't know what goes in it? I feel like I could take the suitcase, but it's always going to be empty.
I don't know. My mom thinks things will work out, but I don't want to be stupidly optomistic. I want to be realistic, which hurts. Realisticly, I don't know. Either way, I don't like it.
Work was a drone today. I felt like I was stuck there for a year and I would never be allowed to come home. I'm not hungry, I'm too tired, and my face wreaks of sadness.
I guess you wouldn't understand if you haven't been in my spot. He is the ONE. Yes, I don't care what you say. He's IT. And now, I've pushed him away. I am solely to blame, and I don't know how I am going to live with myself. (hits herself on the head, repeating the words "stupid, stupid Megan"). Yeaaaaaaaaah.
I love him. I wore my rosary today. Oh Bon Jovi's "Living on a Prayer" is perfect:
She says weve got to hold on to what weve got
cause it doesnt make a difference
If we make it or not
Weve got each other and thats a lot
For love - well give it a shot
Chorus:
Whooah, were half way there
Livin on a prayer
Take my hand and well make it - I swear
Livin on a prayer
He won't take my calls. IDK why.
I think I am going to take a nap. Maybe I would feel more refreshed? Doubt it.
Oh hey, God, help me out here?
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[31 Mar 2007|06:25pm] |
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Sad love songs |
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I feel like a middle schooler, using an online journal. But you know what, this is all Ive got. So, you know how I posted that I was feeling alone a bit back. Okay, try now. My boyfriend of about, 3 years on and off have just broken up (last night). I am going insane. Not even kidding. Something I said was totally misinterpreted, and now Ive lost the best thing thats ever happened to me. He wont take my calls, nothing. Just told me its over, hung up, and thats the end of it.
I dont even want to get out of my bed. I dont. Like everything makes me cry. I looked in the miror and realized that everything I had one was because of him or I got it while we were together. My cheerleading pants- we did cheerleading together and made so many great memories. My tank top- one he really liked because it shows a bit of clevage. My bra- one I got to push my boobs up (for him). My undies- he picked them out. My bracelet- he bought it and its from his families country. My necklace- a Christmas gift from him. My ring- a promise ring he gave me, saying we would always be together.
My whole life, my everything, is based around/ has to do with him. HE IS MY EVERYTHING. Without him, I am incomplete. And I think it's only now that Im realizing the extent of this. Like before, I loved him, I wanted to be with him. But now, through tear-stained cheeks, I know how much he is a part of me. He's in my brain, my heart, my body, my soul, my EVERYTHING. As hot tears flow again, I just... I wish he knew. I hope he knows.
I never wanted to hurt him. I love him too much for that. He means so much to me, it's insane. And now, without him, I feel a deep loss. Ay dios mio.
I think I know what it may feel like to have your heart broken.
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| I'm back. |
[16 Mar 2007|09:27pm] |
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Sometimes I dont know how I deal with things. I mean, I get so upset that I really dont want to be living anymore. I wish that my life was different, I pray that God would let me have someone else's life. I just feel more alone than I think I ever have. My family here in Ardmore doesn't care whether I come or go, my dad and family in Michigan resent me for leaving, my friends are basically non-existant, and my boyfriend could care less whether I fall off the face of the Earth or not half of the time. I just have this feeling, all too often, that no one would miss me if I just left. I know this isn't true, but I feel it when I am upset. I guess my life is just too stressful for me right now. I will write more, another time.
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[20 Aug 2005|08:47pm] |
Okay, so its been incredibly long since Ive written in here. But im sick and cant go out, so this is how I am fixing my boredom.
SCHOOL: Damn... it starts soon. SENIOR year!!! I cant believe it. September 6th I officially start the first day of my last year of High School. Wow... I have done some school clothes shopping so far <3
COLLEGE: I got an invitation-only for Michigan State's early acceptance program, so if I apply by October 1st then Im mostly like accepted. But Im still looking at other colleges... I kinda wanna go to college with someone....
CHEER: Pre-season started this week, and its going amazing. Being Captain is soooo incredible. We leave for cheer camp on Tuesday, and I am excited beyond belief. Cheer couldnt be going better at this point.
THIS BOY: He means more to me than anything in the world. I am falling for him so hard right now, and I have no intention of getting up. "Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasureeee....".
Work is going okay, and so is everything else basically. Besides the fact that Im sick. Tomorrow I'm just cleaning my room and getting ready to go to CHEER CAMP Tuesday.
Love,
Megan.
p/S: I miss the boy. I haven't seen him or spoken with him since 2AM last night <33333
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[19 Jul 2005|09:23pm] |
Leave an anonymous comment with the following in it:
A secret.
A compliment.
A non-compliment.
A song that reminds you of me.
How long we've known each other.
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[14 Jul 2005|02:43pm] |
You never realize how much something means to you until it is gone.
This boy means the world to me. I want you all to know that. I cant even describe it. When we're together, everything is ok. All the problems seem to fade away. Not just because I am with him, but because he helps me put everything back together. And I love him so much for that. I love it when he holds me; we fit perfectly together. Hes so... amazing. I could spend every second with him and never get sick of him. I spent from 3:30pm Tuesday until 1:45pm Thursday with him (except: 3am-9am Wednesday cuz he was sleeping and 10:30pm-9ish [im guessing, i didnt check the time] on Thursday cuz he stayed with his friend Malik). God, I just... I wont see him for a month now. Well, 30 days to be exact. I dont know what Im going to do. Honestly, its soooo hard. I've finally found someone that can make it all right, and now is gone for 30 days. That's 30 times I have to wake up and know I wont see his face....
I used to think I loved my ex-boyfriend, Alex. I mean, I was with him for a year and 9 months. I saw him every day. Even though we fought all the time, I still "loved" him. Yeahh, right. This boy Im talking about now, I cant even get mad at him. A lot of people say, "oh that just means u get along well cuz u dont kno eachotha enuf". Okay, since I have knows this boy as one of my best friends for a year and 2 months.
He's amazing.
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[07 Jul 2005|08:57pm] |
Ok so for some reason I havent been writing.
Summer is going great, work is good (getting the paper!). Getting hype for CHEERLEADING to start again!! Ahh I love my cheer babies sooooo much.
I miss my friends, we all need to chill.
I miss my TRIO most, Jon and Jamal are my life.
I miss Edwin a million. Im going to NEW YORK CITY Tuesday to see him. <3 Um, he stole my heart!! I got mad love for him ~XOXOX~!
Love always,
Megan Leigh
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[24 Jun 2005|12:11am] |
Sorry I have been, well, absent? School got out, and I didnt die during Finals. I've been in Mich since Friday (the 17th). I got to visit fams, shopping, out to dinner, etc. All the good stuff. I go home to Philly Sunday (the 26th).
I really miss that boy. He is so amazing.
"the" boy: "and i dont want summa to end cuz im here, but i really wanna be there wit u... or here wit u... or anywhere wit u u kno wat im sayin... jus wit u"
My heart breaks over and over again every second you're not here with me. I'm just waiting for the one moment when we reunite because I know that, in your arms, all the pieces will fall perfectly back into place.<3XOXOX<3
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[08 Jun 2005|10:42am] |
Its awful when all you really want is that one person. Everywhere you go, you are looking around the corner to see if he is there. Every time you try to sleep, he is the one on your mind. All you can think about--him. All you wanna see--him. The only person you wanna be with--him. And its the worst feeling in the world, because you know he doesn't feel the same way. And you try so hard to make yourself get over him. But you just CANT. Its not possible. So what do you do?
This boy means the world to me. But...
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[20 May 2005|12:30pm] |
I am so fucking sick of everyone in Lower Merion. From now on, I will only associated (talk to, hang with, wave to, acknowledge) the following people:
-Becca Greenberg
-Pegah Badkerhanian
-Lauren Weidner
-Dan Siegal
-Jasmine Cotton
-Dave Shaw
-Kerry Berman
-Buddy Blessing
-Jade Touam
If you are not on this list, then please do not feel offended. If you have a problem with this list, then please contact me at (248) 421- 2443. Thanks.
Have an awful day, because I sure am. :)
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[17 May 2005|01:10pm] |
So I am sitting in English class because I actually decided to go today. I have senioritis so badly, you can't even understand. Too bad I am still a junior! 21 days of school left (and 4 of those are half days!)
So whats new... with the boy, I just decided to keep hooking up with him. We are best friends. And that way I can explore my options. Im cool with that I think.
School. Hahaaaaaa. Havent done any work in like a month. Im way behind. But if I put my mind to it, then I can get shit done. I think next week I will start doing work. Considering I started this week off badly already cuz I cut school yesterday.
Nothing else is really new. I stay busy with Cheer+Work. <3
My math teacher said this today:
"President Bush is the worst thing to happen to the country since slavery".
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[09 May 2005|06:42am] |
New layout & comments. Its not my best, but oh well.
Cheerleading Captain's meeting today 4:00-4:30. Then meeting with the whole team from 4:30-5:15. Then practice from 5:15-7:00. Then yeah...
Um, mom is out of town until like, Friday? poss. I think shes going to Boston. So this means Im going to have an easy ass week, even tho I have to work a lot.
Boys... I like one that I used to like last year (look at entries from last May and June). Yeah, and we kinda hooked up. But he isnt the type of guy to have a girlfriend. And I wanna talk to him to see what is going to happen between us, but that would be awkward.
HELP?!?!
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| &DR. |
[06 May 2005|11:16am] |
I got blood taken today. OUCH!
Cheer try-outs are over, but now the drama starts. If you have drama with me, then just COME TO ME and we will talk about it. Oh, and congrats to everyone that tried out. Its going to be an amazing year. Your Captains have a lot of great stuff in store for this year, and we are going to make it as good as possible.
Nothing else is really new. Im working on the layout. But Ive been busy with school, drama, friends, cheer, and work!! Oh yes, and boys. I work 4-6 today. But I think im going home and SLEEPING after that. Yeah.
THEND.
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[26 Apr 2005|06:23am] |
I didnt forget about you guys--I know I should be updating. I dont really have the time now, so I guess this is just an entry to tell you all Im still alive.
I got a job & I start today.
PICS ++ the 411 on my life poss. after work.
xoxoxalways._.Meg!@
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[21 Apr 2005|12:27pm] |
Sorry I have not updated in almost a week--I have been quite... busy? Sike just lazy.
Not much has happened. I went tanning and that was A-MAZ-ING. I have practice today--yay!
Looking forward to a long weekend.
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[15 Apr 2005|11:02am] |
&Ive been so popular lately, I cant deal with it. I have so many *effing* friends right now, I cant keep track of them all. Ahhhhh.
Um,,yes. School if fyne. ++etc.
Cheerleading.is.amazing as usual. <33 and kisses 2 my boys.
Ive really been trying to get this boy outa my mind... and its kinda working. ((hes outa town)) so who knows what happens when he comes back?! P/S:: I love ABC boys, theyre alllll amazing. There are sooooo many good boys tryna chill lately; I see less and less value in him. Even tho I still <333 him $%@#$%
I made an awesome new friend and I think were getting married--Marlee! Were going ~out~ tonight `n she DR IV ES! Who knows what types of trouble we shall encounter. Oh and Ali Sayer is also one of the coolest people I know. And the Clarkers. andddddddddd LEXI is my best friend for the entire life of ours &&yeah.
Thats about my life as of April 15, 2005 at 2:07PM. Life is *~*knock on wood*~* GOOD right now.
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| My love life |
[10 Apr 2005|04:13pm] |
You think you have me wrapped around your pretty little finger, but NEWS FLASH! I dont need you hun. Boys like you come and go--best friends are forever. &I LOVE YOU LEXI. Thanks for an awesome night <3 of the usual ++making all my ouchies go away.
I told him whats up last night. I think I scared him, cuz I havent heard back yet.
My love horoscope for this year is 100% correct. Here ya go:
If your New Year gets off to a bit of a slow start in the love department, work on your romantic karma by doing some of your trademark matchmaking. Your perceptiveness and natural knack for connections, along with your subtlety and diplomacy, mean that in January and February you can easily assist those who tend more toward floundering in the realm of romance. They'll thank you, and by March you'll reap some intense rewards. The fabulousness of the weekend of March 25th is practically overwhelming, as you're showered with attention and dishing it right back out to someone wonderful. [MARCH 25 WAS WHEN I STARTING HOOKIN UP WITH THE BOY I LIKE<3]
Around April 8th, spring blossoms for you, and it's all about relationships -- and it's all up to you. Get clarity surrounding what you truly want, and then all you have to do is communicate to obtain it. [THATS THIS WEEKEND. AND I FINALLY DISCOVERED WHAT I WANT, AND TOLD HIM. STILL WAITING TO HEAR BACK, BUT I GOT THE CLARITY.] The weekend of April 22nd and the following days find you sitting pretty in the realm of romance, perhaps with the perfect someone to share your throne. Things develop at an exponential rate from there, with May and June sprinkled liberally with happy days and increasingly hot nights.
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[09 Apr 2005|06:59pm] |
It's friday night
She's all alone
He's a million miles away
And she's dressed to kill
The TV's on
He's connected to the sound
And he's got pictures on the wall
Of all the girls he's loved before
And she knows all his favortie songs
She's just the flavor of the week
"Theres a great big world out there and it wont matter if you were the most popular girl, the quarterback of the football team, or the biggest nerd in school. Find out who you are and try not to be afraid of it" ~Never Been Kissed~
Im so confused. And Im starting to enjoy it. I had ACT's this morning, they were not hard but I didnt have time to finish. Oh well next time I will do better.
Staying in tonight (poss?) so if I do, I will be a camwhore and take 25748674810 pics to post. Other than that, I love you all. Comment on how much you love me. OR ELSE!
girlsgotgame215: megan honestly i love you, you are like my best friend in the whole wide world
LEXI BARNES IS MY BEST FRIEND IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. THE END. I <3 HER TIMES A JILLION.
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[08 Apr 2005|11:45am] |
Changed my mind. I give up on him.
And I am going to tell him that, if he can get off his "pimp status" and text me back.
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